I once had to yank a tampon out of my dog’s arse and I lost count of how many times I had to hose her off on the sidewalk in front of the building after she had rolled in shit. Human shit. She once ate 2/3rds of a Kentucky bourbon tort I had spent an entire afternoon making. And then couldn’t stop shitting for the next 12 hours. Another time, she counter-surfed and wolfed down 3 pounds of chicken I was about to throw onto the grill. Still, I would not have exchanged her for a baby. Not ever.